September COME BACK!

Hi, I’m back for a very long time! How are you?

Well as for me, I am doing fine- really really fine though I had a lot of relapse and mishaps the past months. Just recently, I am also managing my anxiety problem. Thought of going to our guidance office but I rejected the thought because I seemed to be managing this well, so far.

But going back, I seemed to process a lot of ideas the past few months and I hadn’t been blogging those. A lot of those and forgot most of them. But let me start my come back with a bio-post again LOL

I’ve already made changes, small changes with immense impacts. So far, they made me better. They changed me for like 70% in me (perhaps if my estimation is not wrong)

First, I’ve come not to hate this one person anymore. Way back, I was used to curse her like hell because I simple hate her the way she is. I was jealous back then because she has something I don’t have. I admit that. I hate her existence and I hate everything about her. But that was before. Now, I’m loving her as a friend. I don’t mind what she’s up to, what she’s doing or even what she’s wearing now compared before. The rage against her has not yet blown away entirely but at least 1/8 of it has gone so far. The feeling is light and I love it.

Second, as much as possible I was able to resist temptations and deny so much materialism. I am working now as a writer in a certain company plus I race through days to keep with my schedule as a working student and as a responsible daughter. Still, I am this person in the house who never leaves the house with so much mess and I see to it that my cousin is good going to school and that mom’s fine. I deal with problems (though I had hard times and worst ones) and I was able to keep my pedestal. More so, temptations though they’re nerve-wracking still at least even a bit, I was able to resist them like simple eat-outs and strolling. I kept up. I was also able not to buy so much things which I did not need. Now, I only buy those I see as very important. I am also glad to have my job because it really pays – I get paid while I learn and enjoy.

Third, the exposure I was used to have in school had been changed. I am now an ordinary school girl and I love everything about it, no regrets though there are times I would think I wished I had them back. But I love earning my own money and earning job experience credits. For practicality’s sake. I wouldn’t want to graduate by 2015 (hopefully) with no job assurance. I was also able to avoid too much texting of which I was addicted into. Then, today is my 16th day of no Facebook account. It’s just I felt Facebook brought no good things to me the past weeks which is why I deactivated it. Now I am now in my Twitter and I love every single thing I do there. Also I realized that I could really survive from these changes so long as I still have “one thing” to share all my random feelings whenever I want to shout out and that is Twitter.

Fourth, the guy I’ve been eyeing for so long now has been a brain drain for me which is why I chose to avoid him and eventually cut off our communication. Will not go into details but I am just happy we’re not talking anymore- virtual talks I mean. I believe he’s still into this girl and I couldn’t keep up. I hurt hurting myself, simple as that. I’ve only been an option, that’s my instinct and observation and I couldn’t anymore suffice looking so dumb which is why I ended everything. But so much for that…

Fifth, the most important thing is that…. despite my anxiety disorder (specifically OCD) and all the problems at work, school and at home, I am slowly pacing- I am slowly retrieving my steps- I am slowly rising- I am slowly taking a stand- I am slowly recovering because I also came back to God. To be honest, I came to a point where I missed Him. I forgot He was there and I even doubted His existence. But I am thankful enough that after a very long time (I guess so) I am now back to His Kingdom. I’d always love reading few passages in the Bible every night and I love talking to Him whenever I want. It seems that God is more than a Twitter to me. As Twitter would accumulate all my emotions and ideas, God is more than that. He’s also able to relieve my stress and pains. He’s able to solve what I’m going through by simply tapping at my back and hugging me although not physically.

I may have had a lot of rise and fall for the last 3 months but I surpassed them. Good thing I have Him. So truly blessed. Hope you find His intervention, too. 🙂 He’ll put a smile on your face, for sure. 🙂

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The Change I Get

Aside

Hi, this post is actually my first mobile blogging and I get to excite my nerves because you know me, my ideas don’t just sit around the corner and wonder.. err.. They upsurge to be shared! And mobile blogging is really convenient because like for this moment, thoughts just run down though I’m already in bed (and definitely tired) and I get to post this.

So much for that! I want to speak about “change” now… Well, I’ve been speaking about that certain word all the time and it means for me in three words: (1) open-mindedness (2) liberalism (3) adventure AND nothing’s gonna hold me back! This opening of the school year and btw, the end of summer, I want to reinvent myself by first and foremost be a low-profile college girl. Not inasmuch as I want to change every bit but I want to be more academic-oriented and less in extra-curricular activities; except that I am still into my tutorial jobs whether online, private or both and my sidelines (Buy & Sell Pre-loved clothes/Land Deal). Coming up with this resolution was REALLY REALLY HARD to consider that I am an active student ever since at being the leader all the time became my habit, my agendum and my passion. But above all, my family is my FIRST priority and this time, I want to help a lot in doing things that will suffice my family’s needs which include my effort to assist our business (little sari-sari store) and chores at home. After all, these are the LEAST things I can do in a sense of payback to my parents while I am still studying. Further, I also feel the need to be someone new in the eyes of the many because I want to lessen the guilt I have because giving too much time serving my organizations made me happy of course but less than that, made me guilty because I sacrificed my family and mama and papa’s getting old, I want to assist them as much as I can. But mostly, I’d get to relax my mind by thinking that I’ll never stop learning and exploring. Leaving the university limelight, I know and believe that this decision is good because Almighty God has guided me to clear my cloudy thoughts. To end, I may take other route and perhaps I’d only take a train rather than an airplane, at least if I may not see the world in a skyscraper view, at least, I’d see the luscious green fields of the countryside. 🙂

P.S. I’ll reduce the romance section in my story of which I’ll eliminate some, entertain a few ones and perhaps, just throw them all in a non-recyclable bin! Slow the fast life, forget the pain and laugh out loud! Enough that I am stupid. I won’t dwell anymore.

Ideal Homes to Die For Before I Die

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Refreshing house in an Australian shore

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Mansewood Country House at Scotland. This is my ideal country house that looks like the house of Alice in Wonderland (anime version)

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Modern Balinese

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Apartments (I’d like to have one :D) in a Mexican War Street

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And lastly, this oriental country house with a windmill.

Wishes do come true, right? Now let me wish.

Series of Words Unspoken

10-03-12

By: Yours Truly

I miss you

**** ❤

This feeling I cannot explain

Whatever it is I just cannot restrain

You hold my heart like holding my breath

You tear me apart like a broken wreath

It was the shortest time meeting you

The least that could happen is impossible to undo

I’ve fallen in love with an activist

Someone who’d fight using his fist

Saying these things would mean useless

For it would always remain as a sheer mess

Thinking you has taken my rationality

I’d be willing to go on even if it means stupidity

I don’t know what brought you here

To cause such delay in my wildest thoughts my dear

You came but only to make me fall in love

Without even giving warnings through a dove

I would say, you are to be admired

With your shipshape look, I’d never get tired

You have radical ideas circling your mind

These things are making you a one of a kind

I cannot understand even if how I tried to

‘Cause you’d always remain as somebody so hard to pursue

Perhaps you’ve already have someone in your heart

Somebody I’d never outsmart

Shouldn’t I’d never expect nor assume

For doing such is like smelling a raw perfume

Killing myself softly with your tender presence

Would only make me a luminescence

You came just to tell me I’m stupid

Then left just to remind me I’m just a dry seed

Whom you’d never get interested

Worst, you’d never ever take time to shed.

AND SO I AM DYING… NOW… L Thanks for at least taking time in asking how I am – my reply: I AM NOT OKAY AND WILL NEVER BE.

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10-04-12

Dear my greatest trusted confidante,

Here I am again… Trying to confide things  just because I’m hurt,,. But before that, I wanna say sorry for being so occupied with all these things. I might have tortured you already for giving you so much aches. I’ve become too insensitive already, hurting at the most of your being. I know you’re hurt already but I just wanna share this ‘cause I’m feeling so nostalgic, hurt, used and helpless now.

You know, is it bad to fall in love? Like for such a short time of meeting somebody else then wasting some tears for this somebody? Please answer ‘cause I don’t know… I am totally corrupted now.

I don’t know what’s in his being which makes me fall and fall for him each day though Imay not see him everyday. I met him only twice, the first and maybe the last. He was awesome! And this time, I’ve come to ask. Have I fallen already or it’s just a mere admiration or fascination? …..

Hey, whaaaat? What is it?

I always think of him. Always caress his presence in my mind. He’s becoming too acquainted in my thoughts. And I cannot deny, he’s becoming one of my nerves already. I am expecting a bit, maybe and maybe hoping a lot for him to like/love me like the way I do. I demand for a reciprocal love. BUT I think it isn’t going to happen anymore. He’s totally in love with someone else. He’s definitely into this lucky girl and He’s MARRIED just all these times! He’s not here because he was there with her. He’s happily married and maybe devotedly in love with this girl.

With this, I conclude… I should maybe start wiping my tears and establishing a wider gap between us. Moreover, I may fall down at least, all by myself I would stand up and hold my head up high even if the feeling tortures me to death. And now, let me say farewell to this person because I will never let you cause me more pain. I am hurt a lot and will never be hurt the next time. 

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10-20-12

I was thinking all along that perhaps I’ve changed my mind already or maybe have taken the detour route by realizing matters to resolve my self-validating issues. I was happy admiring others and taking up fascinations while being with those guys out there. They were all good friends, they respect me and they are nice. We did share both good and fun memories, and that’s how I may describe how was I during those tough times of NO YOU to expect to see each day and NO YOU to impress. Still, I managed to make myself beautiful at some times but usually, I became absurd. Really… If I may say, I got to feel a company with some of your colleagues because they’ve chosen to stay here not because of me but because of their own personal reasons and that would be enough. Not like you, you left and somehow posed a nostalgia and expectation in my part even if I don’t have the right to feel such. You left for your own personal reasons which I cannot counter. At least, your colleagues chose to remain here and not to leave.

Now, I’ve chosen this feeling to disclose it to your utmost unconsciousness that I was grateful, very grateful to have forgotten you and more than that because of your absence and their presence which covered the translucent light of this hopeless love for you but then, suddenly… You came again, not by your presence but through your hypnotizing words which caused me to burst. I don’t know how to interpret you, your words, your actions, your you… BEING YOU… I was then happy with how you respond to my longing but it was all a short while because deep inside me I know it was just a consolation. I should not blind myself with the truth that someone like you would never like me much as true that you’re a liar. I am such a hopeless kid falling in love with a mysterious guy. Sorry, but let me cry this time.

END

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10-20-12

The worst part is, in that situation I was the one who was caught on guard, I was the one who gave in, I was the victim. And now I am the one hurting and missing. I only have your “regards” and nothing more. This word of mere acquaintance and consolation of which I have misunderstood and have used for a short period of happiness… You are married and here I am, secretly hurting. 

BEST THING I NEVER HAD… YOU WILL REMAIN INSIDE ME… FORGET ME, IT’S OKAY. TURN YOUR BACK, I KNOW YOU WILL… I LOVE YOU.

Yes, I’m an Idiot!

Last night, I mean near midnight at around 11:30pm I watched “3 Idiots” for the second time. But this time, got to focus and really paid 100% of attention… With the lights off and alone in my room.

AND?

IT CHANGED ME, PURPOSELY. Like for one thing, my outlook in life. It did, really… And hopes it’ll continue soaring high! Mind nothing about the Koel Birds, hahaha.

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I’d like to speak and openly share this, what God gave me… Prior to my movie marathon last night, I prayed first so if I’ll suddenly sleep and well, leave my laptop ON AGAIN I’d prayed already. So, I prayed… Thanked and asked dispensed from Him, The Almighty with of course, supplication. I asked him to bless me and my family, all those around me “wherever they are, whatever they do”, to let us decide and act things according to His Divine Will, and lastly, to sum up… I asked Him for REPENTANCE. And let me tell you why, I am both talking of “3 Idiots” and Repentance here, and how these two have been involved in the smile I have now…

The movie, was about well “3 Idiots”- Rancho, Farhan and Raju. They were friends, met in an unlucky situation, in an unlucky place (LOL) and under a screwed director. The movie was full-packed with fun and laughter from the very beginning because of the journey and adventure of the 3 protagonists; it never failed me to grin at the same laugh so that was really HAHAHAHA. So there were the crazy stuffs Rancho did which also influenced the other two to think the same way as Rancho. More so, Rancho also presented a very well and down-to-earth philosophies (which I am really trying hard to adapt) which really contradicts to the idea of COMPETITION which was also analogized by Director Virus through a Koel Bird. Aside from competition, other aggressive philosophies were also countered by the so-called “Rancho’s Philosophy” and yeah, it really countered because it took effect in me.

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It was all fun and delight enjoying the company of friends and to think that AAL IZZ WELL 😀

Moreover, as I may recount it in a different way with LESSONS LEARNED portion, the movie did not also fail to teach VALUES IN LIFE. From the scene where freshmen of the ICE (Imperial College of Engineering) had a special ceremony wherein they’d only worn briefs, it taught me not to defy/disobey everything and all but to dismiss demands when it actually distort the reality and righteousness. It’s not always to submit to authorities when we know they’re wrong, when we know they’re being irrational already, coz it’s not about their authority and they should be respected and followed, well, it’s about who’s right! It showed when Rancho did not submit to the head master of the ceremony to perform what others are performing, instead he made prank at him by conducting electricity through a spoon attached to a ruler right when the head master peed in front of his dorm room. Next, it is when the entire story countered the idea of competition when Dr. Virus presented a Koel Bird as a symbol of RACE, that Koel Birds do not make their own nest, instead “they push the other eggs out of the nest, competition over. Their life begins with murder. That’s nature, compete or die… Life is a race, if you don’t run fast, you’ll get trampled.” –Dr. Virus… That was competition, after all. But this movie, it did counter such notion coz life is not about being the first or last, it’s about how you live it (this was actually the central idea, but let me spin the other lessons I found interesting)

As I went along, I found the scene in a Physics class where machine was being defined by two students with different personalities and understanding of what machine is. Rancho, as being called pointed out that… “A machine is anything that reduces human effort” which he elaborated with examples and the other student named Chatur defined machine in a standard way as how machine is being defined in books (sad to say, he’s a bookish kid). The two being able to define a simple word in two different manners matter in different perspective, Chatur being commended by the professor with a “wonderful” and “perfect!” comment was really duhhh… While, Rancho, on the contrary, didn’t mind being wrong coz he fully know he’s correct. He got the same point as what books say, he just delivered it in a simple language! Well, with this, it taught me not to memorize concepts but to understand and apply these concepts. It’s never bad being bookish like reading a lot of books but the thought of enslaving and imprisoning yourself with the credulous surface meanings of things by just recalling and memorizing them is way too different to comprehending them, insofar as to practicing them (theory & practice).

Next, it was about the suicide scene of Joy Lobo, also a student of ICE under Dr. Virus who wasn’t given a chance to finally finish his project so he can graduate which would make his father happy. In that I learned not only to make suicide and death our choice when things are falling apart lest they’d only erase our parents’ smiles, but I also learned that when one inflicts pain to somebody else, be it emotionally, mentally or physically and this person, the one you have inflicted pain resorted to committing suicide, then it’s never called a suicide anymore but a MURDER. Legally, it’s not the point but the pressure you put on this ‘somebody else’ is somewhat you’re liability for being one of this person’s reasons to commit such act.

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Additionally, I’d never forget the ordinary scenes like when Rancho was simply happy and positive in finding solutions like why worry, when you have solutions? It only needs courage. Take for instance, when he took a bath in the school’s lawn where there’s water because the public bathrooms were full of students racing to use the facility. As for the idea of materialism, the scenes of Rancho and Pia were the eye-openers wherein Rancho kept on imparting free advices to Pia not to marry a ‘materialistic’ man who only wanted to marry her because of her good social standing as a daughter of ICE Director and as a medical doctor and who only value material things with brands and PRICES like how expensive they were. Furthermore, as Rancho the man, being him in the movie was really definitely a good teacher that we should study not for grades or degree but for learning coz grades wouldn’t define us. He also showed great true love for his friends as how we helped them outdo their problems without giving up on them to keep on advising them and reaching-out to them in the best way he can. He was a perfect example of a FRIEND who is willing to sacrifice for the betterment of others.

Also, as for our relationship to our parents, it was evidently shown in the scenes where the condition of Raju’s father was in a critical state… When Rancho told his friend not to worry so much of the examinations they’ll have the following day because “Exams are many, dad just one”. It was then I realized to value the time, we have to spend it with our love ones while they’re still here. We’re too mindful of growing up while our parents are growing old; why not spend precious moments with them?

Moreover, ordinals are way too disgusting here where they pose ranking to divide people like a caste system where A-graders: masters and C-graders: slaves as evoked in the students’ pictorial with Dr. Virus. More so, Rancho also held a striking thought that why flaws need to be publicized?

Added to all of this is the idea to: Make your passion your profession, an idea from Rancho who believed that he was good in machines because it’s his passion, he’s happy doing engineering and advised Farhan that he should pursue his passion in photography so as to follow his heart. Rancho also taught me another lesson that we shouldn’t be afraid of tomorrow and that we should have the guts in facing fears and in facing circumstances because when taking a degree of let’s say 4 years is less than the regret you may have in deathbed. WE SHOULD FOLLOW OUR HEARTS ❤ That was what Rancho told.

In addition, in an interview scene of Raju with the company officials was really something like he was open enough to accept rejection without being discourage to go on with life coz tomorrow will be another day, but fortunately he was still accepted because of his straightforwardness even from the suggestion of one of the officials that he should at least change himself into a diplomatic one to face clients as part of the job he was applying for, but great, he stood for himself that he would never change himself just to get the job and that impressed the officials and so he was hired.

Lastly, I’ve learned not to take revenge but instead take humble steps as what can be seen in the contradictory attitude of Rancho of being humble towards success and Chatur being the one full of revenge who didn’t really become a true successful person because he was full of rage because of his reason of revenge.

Stop publicity! Change the system! So that was it! Really, the movie was so epic. It may be OA but I cried plenty of times like for instance in Joy Lobo’s death and in Raju’s Father’s Emergency. Hahaha.

This line from Raju has also stricken me “Karl Marx says to share all resources” HAHA. So, that was like “tiiiiiing!” hearing Marx’ name… 😀 Well, Raju said it because of another capitalist persona- Chatur who was so greedy of his properties duh even for a pants. Indeed, a capitalist.

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To end this, I just wanna say that AAMIR KHAN is now my new crush! Haha. He’s so handsome and funny, as well. Like the way he was in the movie as Rancho, a person of intelligence and wisdom.

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His love story with Pia was also something, uhm… a relatable to my part coz what Pia felt for Rancho even for just 2 days was exactly like mine… Well, 2 days and to measure less than that, countable by hours. But as how Pia felt the feeling was the same as how I felt for this somebody who affected and impressed me with his intellect and aura. Haaays.. J But I am all too well happy for Rancho and Pia, happily ever after for them. Yey!!

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So preoccupied with this movie, I advise you watch to those who haven’t!

Last words (from the movie)

-FOLLOW EXCELLENCE, SUCCES WILL FOLLOW-

P.S.

Repentance was actually the feeling I got from watching the movie. So that’s how God offered His arms of repentance, to teach me.